“that reminds me of an old farmer friend of mine in Illinois, who used to say he never could understand why the Lord put a curl in a pig’s tail; it did not seem to him to be useful or ornamental, but he guessed the Lord knew what he was doing when he put it there. ” –Abraham Lincoln, to a soldier at the Soldier’s Home, 1864
I called a good friend after I read on Facebook about troubles her daughter was having at school.
Her child was made to feel unwelcome in the school community because of her frequent meltdowns. The little girl is very bright, a lovely little person. She’s 8, which in my estimation puts her in the category of “still figuring things out.” It’s true that by now, she’s too old to scream and cry. Yet she still does it. So, I wonder why?
Her teacher’s comment “She melts down when she doesn’t have direction” is what made me pick up the phone.
Children’s behavior serves a purpose. It’s easy and natural to talk around it “She’s too old to cry like that.” or blame, “She’s spoiled” or reject “I don’t want her here, she’s disruptive.”
Or you could remember that you work in education and this is one of the large problems that come with working with kids. Sometimes you find childish behavior in children.
Bill Nason is one of my favorite writers on children’s behavior. His perspective is useful and dispassionate. He doesn’t judge or talk about poorly parented children. He looks at the behavior. Why would someone scream and cry and meltdown? If you are a teacher, or work with kids, or have children with social delays or challenging behavior, or rigidity–Read Bill Nason. He’s enormously useful.
Somewhere along the way, school changed from a place where kids learned and grew up into a place that kids had to learn fast and by a certain time and if they didn’t, then it was a big problem. If you didn’t have your reading sorted by 1st grade, it’s a problem. If you have your reading sorted, but you don’t know how to get along with people, that’s a problem.
Kids don’t work like that. They grow at different speeds, making big leaps and then nothing for a while and then these marvelous competencies. Or baffling behaviors. Their brains are amazing, but children’t don’t learn when they are stressed or frightened or overwhelmed.
Don’t forget your child is a child. You can’t program them or dump information in neatly and have it come out. That’s an adult learner, someone who has their personal habits sorted, is done with the messy work of growing up and is there to discretely take the information and move through the curriculum.
I’m a school librarian, but I’m not there just to check out a book or clean the library. I am with them, it’s a privilege to be close to children and have them trust you.
Do you know what is great about kids? When they have a hurt, they do think a band aid fixes it. That’s cool. When do you lose that?
Lots of the time, when they were in the library, they did not find a book. But they always found someone that looked at them like they were a little person and wondered what they were thinking about it and doing and I engaged with them. I wanted to draw them out, see what they were about and then we went from there. The books would come, the books are a long game. Childhood and development is a long game. When a child reveals themselves to you, good or bad, that’s information for you. It’s nothing more than what they are ready to show you at this time.
In heaven’s economy nothing is wasted. That meltdown? That outburst? That’s information. It is not an indictment of you, it’s an invitation to learn about a unique person.
I was lucky that I was not as directed and managed the way classroom teachers are. I was not burdened by parent expectations, state charters. The school administration supported me in letting the kids play and wonder. I wish that modern education allowed for childish behaviors in the classroom and less of the directed learning and assessment. Children that don’t fit the group are made to move. They change schools, they get labels, they start to see themselves as bad or broken. Autism affects 1-68 children now. Or does it really? Is it just a category that has lots of room for uniquely developing kids, a space that has funding and services for kids that need an extra accommodation or more attention?
I hope that my little friend finds adults that help her find her way instead of shaming her and pushing her out, because a real teacher is someone that works with the whole child and not just the easy parts. A real school is one that supports a teacher and gives her/him the freedom and resources to make those connections and build those supports into the classroom. Once the stress is removed, the child can learn again and move forward.
All behavior serves a purpose. Do you have a child in your class that is driving you and everyone else bananas? You can work the problem. You can turn it around. That child is doing you a favor by giving you a road map to how he/she perceives the world. That outraged little being is someone that is still trying to grow up and do the hard thing of getting along in a group or managing something overwhelming and you are the perfect person to help them grow up better. You got this, the first step is to draw the child in and keep them close to your heart.
The good Lord knew what he was doing when he put the curl in the pigs tail and when he put childish behavior in children.